Europa

 

 

 

 

 

EUROPA

 

I don’t blame you for the decision you took, I can’t actually. I hope you understand mine as well, no matter how stupid it sounds. Well, I certainly hope it doesn’t sound stupid. Just as I certainly hope you are looking out the window of that spaceship you’re on leaving earth, trying to find one last glimpse of me. I am standing near the south-west region of the space port, the outer most part of the port behind the tall fence, waving at you. It’s a long shot as your sense of direction haven’t magically changed overnight but well you can see the whole port from up there. You can definitely see most of the earth or whatever’s left of it as it’s a just a big desert now, a desert spanning the whole globe almost. Probably feeling safe and relaxed that you are leaving all of this or wondering why someone would not want to leave this dead place and start anew. Well, I don’t know fully either why I would want to spend my life in this scorching desert of a planet or whatever’s left of it. I remember telling you once how much I love everything about space and now I threw away that one chance I had. Bizarre, right? Then again, I also remember telling you once that change and I have an odd relationship, we don’t really go well together. It's hard for me get used to or accept such big changes in my life, I sound lame and like coward saying this now that I think about, you probably were thinking the same when I told you this and yeah maybe I am. There’s a part of me that thinks I owe something to this planet, I don’t know, that dying with a planet that’s dying, a planet I was born and raised on will mean something to me, which I am in the process of figuring out. A poetic death? Some higher meaning to my life? Or a sense of belonging?  Maybe it’s the latter. You know, I have this odd thought process where I want the things in my home to be in their proper places at night before I go to sleep, so that they don’t feel alone, forgotten and betrayed. I believe I forged this connection unconsciously with this planet, I don’t want it to feel alone. Funny how I say this when I have betrayed you and left you alone, I am sorry. I mentioned how you must be feeling relaxed right now leaving the atmosphere when you must be worried sick about me because in my unrightful anger, I tried to deny any of your care towards me because I thought why would you care when you are the one leaving and betraying me. That’s not true, you tried everything in your power to convince me, concerned so much about my safety. It was I who was stubborn and in the end we wanted different things from life, I am sorry. You might still worried to death about me sitting in that cabin, well, try not to worry about me any longer, just look forward to taking your first steps and starting your new life at Europa, it’s the most beautiful moon in our solar system, it complements you perfectly. It would have been the 2^nd most beautiful if our moon hadn’t drifted away but alas. What am I saying, it still is the 2^nd most beautiful, my moon drifting away doesn’t change anything. Ah, how can I forget about the surreal backdrop of Jupiter that you will get to see in Europa’s sky every hour, well now I am a little jealous. I pray that the grandness of Jupiter makes every worry of yours seem minuscule and trivial, I pray that it treats you well. And if Jupiter grandness and Europa’s beauty still isn’t enough to ease your worry, to make you think about me less, which I selfishly hope it isn’t, we are going to remain connected online. Although our instant messages will not be instant any longer, they are going to be 51 minutes apart, 51 minutes to send, 51 minutes to receive. We are already worlds apart so what are 2 more hours. What are 2 more hours until one day we realise that we will never be in each other’s present anymore, we will never know each other’s present anymore. All I will ever know moving forward is how you were, and all you will ever know is how I was. All we will ever be in and will ever know is each other’s past. Fuck. What happens once we realise this? Do we force ourselves to forget each other?

Maybe, yes. I don’t know anymore, I can’t think straight anymore. Now I pray that the surreal grandness of Jupiter and the crystal glow of Europa makes you forget me like I never existed, I don’t want you to suffer. I hope they make it easier for you. I am sombre, but the fucking tears won’t come out, I hope it’s due to the scorching heat and I get to cry soon. I really want to cry. Now I just stand still here, looking up as your spaceship leaves the atmosphere. All I ever want to do now is to stand still here, till you reach Europa; till you forget about me; till I forget about you. I miss you dearly, I love you dearly and as harsh as it sounds, I pray that we forget about each other, as if we never existed so that you don’t suffer more than you already have. We took our final decisions.

It is a Goodbye.